November 20th, 2008
After my client Spore had left, the room began to thaw out. His reptilian presence could bring a chill to any environment, let alone my generally inhospitable office.
I flicked through the pages he had left, each headed with the worst logo in the world. Drawing out a Venus Velvet, I began making some preliminary sketches before I remembered I hadn’t used a pencil in ten years. I could barely write my name.
I went to fire up the pc, and I use this term because until recently it involved rubbing two sticks together.
I missed the old machine. Many’s the time I’d been lulled into a womb-like reverie by the whirring of its vast engine, only to be jolted back to reality by the brittle barking of one of my lowlife clients.
But imagine my horror this afternoon when I reached for the on switch of the new silent-gliding incarnation to find it absent - replaced only by this cryptic, hand-written note: “I have taken the kid. Signed FF.”
It could only mean one thing. Unable to draw and without a computer, my life as a graphic designer just got a whole lot harder.
Categories: 1. Graphic Design Dilemmas |
Tags: fiction, Graphic design, humour | No Comments
November 18th, 2008
I’ve seen some howlers over the years. In fact I’ve been responsible for many of them. But this was the granddaddy of them all. A plain blue on white affair with every crappy Photoshop filter ever invented bolted on in an attempt to mask its true awfuldom.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” I asked Spore, who was grinning inanely in anticipation of my full horror, which had yet to reveal itself.
“Well, you studied Religious Symbology at Harvard so I figured you might be able to explain its significance. Or failing that, you could tart it up.” Spore advanced slightly and I recoiled in equal measure.
“Not me chum, I’m a Duncan of Jordanstone man,” I protested. “Symbology’s strictly off limits. Besides, why would I want to get involved in this?”
Spore was up to something. He was a man whose everyday wardrobe included a cloak and dagger, but this was different. He was agitated. I decided to play the sucker along for a while because he was starting to interest me. And I wasn’t sure where my next drink was coming from.
“I think you know more than you care to admit,” he slithered. “Look, I’ll be frank.” He unfolded his arachnoid limbs and reconvened by the water cooler. “I wanted to be an albino. But they said I was too tall.”
As a non sequitur it was beautiful in its simplicity. Now I was really interested. He fixed me with those steely eyes. “I need your help on this one. Work your magic.”
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November 17th, 2008
Ignacious Spore and some of my other dubious clients.
I awoke this morning and began the daily graphic designer’s ritual of removing #1 cat from my head. Normally this is a simple process involving a crowbar or the occasional light crane. However, this morning having been disturbed by the most alarming sound in the world - my doorbell - the process was a little more convoluted.
For a start, my bolt upright reaction caused a weighted spring effect, quite tricky to reproduce in 3d, and the subsequent stramash was something awful. However, I stumbled to the door in the manner of an encephalitic buffalo with the beast still in tow, and who should be standing there but my regular client the sinister Ignacious Spore. Spore had his own feline sidekick Mrs. Spock perched on his shoulder like an emaciated parrot.
“Morning,” he grizzled. It was 2:30pm. “Got a job for ya.”
I invited the creep in and he slithered into the office in the style of Uriah Heep. He then proceeded to unfold, with great delicacy, an ancient leather bound volume from a silk covering, revealing what was undoubtedly the worst logo I’ve ever seen. “Ain’t that a beaut?” he said and I felt that he exaggerated somewhat.
And it was then that it struck me. Does graphic design suck? Your comments welcome.
Categories: 1. Graphic Design Dilemmas |
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